Are you having trouble urinating?

Briefly....
I had an audition for an HBO series pilot last week.
I was up for the part of 'Urologist'.
The scene is set in an examination room where 'Urologist' is giving a rectal exam.
The line is, "So, are you having trouble urinating?"

They had me do it three different ways. The line, not the rectal exam. I don't know for sure, but I think there's only the one way to do an actual rectal exam. By a doctor, anyway.

(Do you remember the old joke? "It's bad enough to see the doc put on the rubber gloves. It's really bad when you notice he has both hands on your shoulders...")

Believe it or not, it's hard to audition a scene like that.

There are times when I can do a one line audition and know that I got it in the moment. That I was there and I believed it and I wasn't thinking about it or putting it on.
But for this deal, I had no context.
I didn't have a script prior to the casting.
I had no background on the part, the storyline or even a hint about what the show is about.... (feel free to add your own whiny noises here for a paragraph or so....)

I had a minute and a half to figure it out and do it.
But that should not be a problem for a good actor.

Me?

I sucked.
Right out loud.
In front of God and everybody.

I got to the audition. I auditioned.
Sometimes showing up is as good as it's gonna get.

But there are not enough opportunities to audition for an HBO series that I can afford to suck. That's the dream job right there.
Being involved in an HBO series?
I told my kids early on, that if I dared to dream a happy ending to all this acting stuff, it would be me in an HBO series.

Now, I realize that a future employer is probably not gonna say, "Oh! You were 'Urologist'?? I remember that scene...finger up the guy's butt, right? Dude you were awesome! Very believable."
But for a guy like me, just to have that on my resume, that would have been a very big deal.

So.
I gotta get better.

(Note to self...work on 'getting better' ...)
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I told you about getting cast in "Steam" with Val Kilmer and Eric Roberts, right?

I know I did.

I told everybody I've ever met that I got cast in that movie.

Within 24 hours of being cast, I hired a medium to perform a seance so I could tell my dear departed parents that I got that gig.

Here's what I haven't told you....

48 hours after being told I'd been cast, I got an e-mail from the casting director saying that it was possible that, just maybe, the casting wasn't cast in stone.

Uh...what?

I've spent the last few weeks believing the best and fearing the worst. I got the word that 5 other people who thought they'd been cast were not cast.

Oh alas and woe is me. This sucks so bad. I am generally up for humilty, but at my age, I'm not sure I can take much more humiliation....

Happiest man in America my ass.

I would have to find some place to go where I know no one.
How does one disappear from the face of the earth?
Leave no trace...
No forwarding address.
A slow and lonely death 'neath a railroad trestle, cradling an empty bottle of 20/20, lying in the detritus of broken glass and crushed dreams....

I got a call from the casting director late last week.

The director of the film wanted to meet with me in his suite at the Amway Grand Hotel in Grand Rapids last Saturday.

Oh dude.
Please don't ask me to come all the way to G.R. just to tell me you don't want me in your movie.
That would be cruel.

I really do not have a plan "B".

Nope. He just wanted to take a minute to say hello and to welcome me aboard. Looking forward working with you!

Dude. That was the most stressful three weeks I've ever had.
But I'm laughing.

'Cause, after all...I am The Happiest Man In America!
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"An ounce of behavior is worth a pound of words." Sanford Meisner