Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Instant messaging...disaster in the wings.

So I was on the Crackbook this morning and I saw that my old pal Larry was on there and I thought I'd shoot him a little Instant Message and say hello.

"Hello Larry!" says I in a note.

"Life is good?" I queried further.

"What's new at the zoo?" I joked to my chum.

"So how's the cruise biz?" I ask. (Larry has been a big ol' muckity muck with one of the cruise lines for like ever).

Sadly for me there was no response.

But I could see him there! I knew he was on the site! Thanks to the miracle age in which we live I could even see that he was making little type marks and was actively 'speaking' to somebody.

Then there was nothing. No happy face like this :) or a happy face with a wink ;). Not even a frowny face :( to show me he was angry with me.

(I should explain at this point that I haven't actually spoken to Larry in 20 years. I haven't seen him face to face in at least that long. But we're pals still, right? We shared rent in a space in St. Pete with 14 of our closest friends in 1973 for crying out loud! We sang James Taylor songs together on the beach!)

(Of course we also over indulged in all manner of stimulants, they being the times that they were and all. Frankly I should further note that I've always been too loud for my own good and - especially in those days - I was often wildly inappropriate in my speech and manners. And we didn't- technically- 'share rent'. Larry and some others actually 'paid rent'. I just more or less stayed there. And, now that I think about it, I sort of ate there too...hm. Was it possible...could it be that from the time Larry had accepted my "Friend request" to the time I began this attempt at an instant chat that he had remembered me for who I was way back in the day? Somehow does the odor of my past cling to me still and bring to mind the heinous prat that I was in my youth???)

("No. We're friends", I think in the back of my mind. "You're being an ass". But then I remember William Hurts line from "Big Chill",
"Friends? What friends. We knew each other for a short time 20 years ago. That makes us friends?")

"Um Larry," I write in an act of contrition, "Look man. It's possible that, you know, way back in the day, I may of , er, said something...or maybe even done something that was inappropriate or unkind or...whatever. Look dude. I'm sorry okay?"

Nada. Zippo. No response.

Yeah? I got along just fine with no Larry for the past twenty years! I don't need no Larry!

All I need is this ashtray. That's all I need.

The ashtray and this paddle game and that's all I need.

And this remote control...

Wait a minute...is that a new message in my mailbox? Hey! It's from Larry!! What a nut! He hasn't a clue how that whole Instant Message thing even works! "What is that?" he asks.

What that is is Instant Messaging. And this, (my old palsy walsy Larry) is how it works...

What you do is look at the bottom right hand corner of your page when you are on F/book where it has a little blue bust of a man and it says Online Friends. Click on that and this deal pops up that shows which of your friends are currently on F/book.

(Go ahead an give it a try. I'll wait).

Then you click on the name of who you want to chat with and another little box pops up to the left of that with a picture of the person with their name next to it.

(Did you try it? Good for you!)

At the bottom of that box are some cartoon conversation bubbles. You type what you want to say in that little space, (like I did to you old Larry old friend of my youth), hit return and what you said will show up on their computer. They can type a response in their little box, hit return (like you did NOT do for me but I'm not bitter you bastard) and VOILA!!

Chatsville!

The problem with it is that it can act like reverse caller ID.

See, I knew you were online. I figured we could have a little chat only...no response.

Mmm bummer, I confess was my thought. Larry hates me. Larry probably never liked me to begin with. Well screw Larry! I don't need no stinking Larry!! I DON'T CARE!!!

...and you can see the potential for disaster. Not to mention the fact that if you're like me you have already accepted some people as friends that you really don't want to be friends with, but you didn't want to be mean to them either, so you went ahead and accepted their friend request thinking, "What the hell? What's it gonna hurt?"

And the next thing you know you got some mook from Two Fish Falls saying, "Hey Larry!!! I heard you were in the Cruise Biz and me and the little lady wanna go to Antigua on a boat! An' she said, 'Cruise? You idjit! We cain't afford no friggin' cruise!' I said to her, 'Sure we can afford it! Ol' Larry can prolly get us on there for damned near free!', an' she said, 'Aw hell, Larry don' even remember who we are...' An' I said, 'Oh no? We's frens on that durned Facebook!!! Won't remember us?? Hellfire woman, we pacticly related him an' us' ! So hows 'bout it ol' chum ol pal ol fren?? When do we set sail???"

Of course it could be worse. It could be a relative with a legitimate claim to a free ride. Of course they probably already know your phone number.... But with a phone YOU CAN SEE THEM COMING!!!

My advice? When you see 'em on F/book just pretend you don't know how that damn Instant Messaging even works! They probably won't suspect a thing...

Hey wait a minute...

Anyway, for better or for worse, I'll probably see ya on the 'book.

In the meantime, better days ahead!

dA