Reality Bites

"Can you take me to the store
and then the bank?
I've got five dollars we can put in the tank.
I got a court date comin' in June.
I'll be drivin' soon....
Passenger side.
Passenger si-hide.
I don't like ridin'
on the passenger side."
(From the song "Passenger Side" by Wilco, from their A.M. album.)
*********************************************************************************
I was enjoying a quiet time with my girlfriend Tracy a few evenings ago.
I was reading a book at the end of a long day of yard work and house puttering: Lawn mowed in the early August sun; A long walk with our greyhound, Candy; Linguine Alchini, successfully prepared and enjoyed by all. I may have even sipped a glass of California Chardonnay with supper....

OK. At least a glass. You know as well as I know that wine only ages well before it's uncorked.
I'm not even sure if you can re-chill a nice California Chardonnay, (never having had the opportunity). Besides, I don't want to know if you can re-chill wine, because even if you can, I'm not sure you should....

The point is, I was relaxed....

Very relaxed....

It was that time of the evening when the eyelids begin to succumb to gravity...
...breath slow and even...
...thoughts drowsy and content...
...moving inexorably towards the Land of Nod....

And then, from Tracys side of the bed:

"So. What's your five-year plan?"

(Damn. Quiet now. Don't move. Don't think. Don't react.)

A beat.

(That's good. Breathe steady. Eyes closed. "I'm sleeping. See? See how still I am?)

(Oh Christ! Don't BLINK you idiot!)

A beat.

Another beat....

From Tracys side again, "Okay. How about your two year plan?"

(Was that sarcasm? Did I hear just the slightest hint of ridicule in that question?!?)

"Can you even tell me what you're doing tomorrow?"

(Oh yeah. Definitely sarcasm.)

Sigh...

Like most men, I believe a relationship works best when I'm being admired for my brilliance, adored for my wisdom, and appreciated for my strength of character, superior sense of humor and unmatched ability to win friends and influence people.

I like to rest secure in the sure knowledge and confident that, against all evidence to the contrary, that's who she believes I am.

A man, man.

It never fails to come as a shock to find out: she's on to me.

From time to time a woman has to call you out. (Right out loud). (But, if you're lucky, not in front of God and everybody.)

For the most part, Tracy, like most women, feels she's done well if she can go a day without her man embarrassing her in public.

(It's not that women have low standards. It's just that...well... experience speaks boldly and refuses to shut the hell up. And, fortunately for most of us men, their options are limited.)

(How do you think Laura Bush handles it? She must go to bed every night thinking, "Well, at least he's not Dick Cheney.")

So. Goals. Plans. Ambitions.

Goals have to be measurable and realistic enough to be attainable.
I spent thirty years in sales. I understand the concept.
What scares me a little is trying to apply the concept to acting for money.

Being a man and having chosen to go into the acting profession rather late in life, deep down I want to say, "My goal is to be the next Tom Hanks. All I have to do is go on x auditions a week!"

Man, I'll audition for anything they'll let me audition for. Unfortunately, they're willing to go get the actual Tom Hanks for those roles.

(So, you'd audition to play Adolf Hitler in a production for the Hitler Youth??
UH, YEAH. And I'd kill that mother.)

(I mean, not for not for community theatre. I gotta get paid, dude.)

Generally speaking, I just want to find somebody who will pay me to take my picture.

Inside I believe I am an artist.

I occasionally confess it out loud.

I will boldly say that I am doing what I believe I am meant to do.
I am pursuing not just a dream, but my life calling, such as it is.

How do you measure that?

When do you know you've attained that?

All you can do is what you can do.

And how do you answer that question of planning from someone you love without revealing how inept and unprepared and un...worthy you feel deep down inside?

"Well as a part of my plan, I expect to be an "A" list Hollywood actor within five years. Here then are my action steps..."

I feigned sleep successfully for a night. But I have to tell you, I've not really been sleeping well since then.

Because she's right.

(God I hate that).

For two plus years I've done the best I can with what I have. And I am not ashamed of what I've been able to accomplish so far.

When I started I didn't know how to get an acting job. I had no idea how to even find an agent.

I had a sort of a plan that included keeping the job I had and working into this whole thing slowly...figure it out...save some dough and simplify my lifestyle.

One, two, three, JUMP!

So much for that idea.

For a variety of reasons I had to jump on 'one...' or not at all.

And 'not at all' was not an option.

So now I need to revisit goals.

I will tell you this, I have no goals that do not start with being a full-time professional actor.
That's it for me.

That being said, I have now gotten enough experience (and I am now broke enough) to understand that I need to find ways to supplement my income.

Get a car that works. (And keep it working)
Pay my share for the food I eat and the resources I consume.
Put myself in a position to wish my children and grandchildren Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas with a gift instead of just a phone call.
Get your hair cut when it gets too long, go to the dentist when your teeth need cleaning, replace your clothes when they wear out and don't whine like a little bitc... don't whine about the process.

I was talking to a friend of mine about all this a few days ago.
I mentioned the kindness and concern of friends who have offered support and my reluctance to take them up on their generosity.
I keep thinking that I'm doing what I have been created to do. I'll do the acting and God will take care of the rest.

My friend told me an old story you may have heard, but it hit home in a different way for me that day.

It seems there was a guy who got caught in a flood and he climbed up on his roof for safety.
He was a religious guy and he prayed to God to save him.
Just then a neighbor came by in a row boat and said, "Hey man! Hop in."
And the guy said, "No, I'll be okay. God will take care of me."

And the water got higher.

Then the National Guard came by with a helicopter and they lowered a line and he shouted up to them,
"No thanks! I'll be okay! God'll take care of me!"

Then he fell off the roof and drowned.

And God looked at him and said, "Dude," (God's got a sense of humor about religion), "I sent you a boat. I sent you a helicopter. What's your problem?"

No problem dude.

I'm gettin' there.

And I couldn't be happier about it.

Happiest damn man in America, muchacho.

So don't get in my way....
**********************************************************************************
By the way. I have been informed that I can make a little walking-around money whenever you visit the site if you take a moment and "click" on the Google ads you'll find on the right side of the page, below my acting resume and the recipes. And don't forget, you can also buy books (off the slide-show at the bottom of the page) and music (mp3 downloads and actual CD's and vinyl, even) from the slide shows by the Google ads. So come on. Do it. You know you want to. And remember, by clicking and buying, you're supporting the artist, if not actually the arts.....dA