As close to porn as I'm likely to get...

I'm supposed to act like I would like to have sex with Kim Cattrell.

OK. I can do that.

I was called to audition for the part last Friday, and I worked on it all weekend. (Hey! I had to memorize both lines...)

The casting was yesterday in Southfield at Specs Howard.

(This process is so bizzare....)

The role was for an over-the-hill biker guy. Well, one of two over-the-hill biker guys. And I was ready for either one. Oh yeah...acting! (A thank you!!)

I got to the audition 5 minutes early. (Yes!) I took my number and I waited to get called. After an hour, I go in, hand in my head-shot and resume and the casting director says,

"Which part are you reading for?"

I say, (with confidence and the slightest hint of Ugly Guy attitude), "Ugly Guy 1 and Ugly Guy 2." (Because I got range, my friend!)

(A beat)

She says,"Um. Well." (A glance in my direction.) (Another beat.) "That's not gonna work."

(Deep breath.... It's cool, baby.... Stay the course...)

(Be the biker dude. Ommmm.)

I say, "Why not??" (Don't whine.), "I combed my hair funny and didn't shave or shower for four days to prepare for this part!" (Sell it, bro!) "Plus I memorized the lines! And I can say 'em really good, too! Both of 'em!"

{The audition scene takes place in a sleazy motel room where a porn video is about to be shot. The players in this particular scene include: The hero of the story, (a 19 year old kid who is in love with this porn star);

The Star herself;

The porn "director" and "crew";

and these two Biker Dudes. (The Biker Dudes are wearing underpants.)

(God, that's a funny word to use in conjunction with biker dudes. Underpants! Hah!)

They're preparing to shoot the scene. The 19 year old takes off his pants and he's wearing a sparkly thong. He removes the thong, and my lines are:

Ugly Guy 1: "Woo-hoo! Are you sure this ain't a gay video??"

Ugly Guy 2: "Put a wig on him. I'll do him, too!"

(Swear to god, I got those lines down!)}

(And please note: This part I'm auditioning for is for a full budget SAG film. We're not screwing around here.... Well, we are. But not for fun! It's a real, legit movie.)

I'm ready, but the casting director says, "I don't want to waste your time. You're just not ugly."

Well, that's just swell. A compliment, I suppose. Something I can add to my resume. But still, I have to confess, I am a bit dissapointed.

Not being ugly: IT DON'T PUT FOOD ON THE COT-DANGED TABLE! (To use the vernacular.)
This is the third time in two weeks I have been sent on an audition that isn't gonna work. (Bitch and moan, bitch and moan...)

Undaunted, I asked to read the parts anyway. (Because you just don't know, do you?)

The casting director acquiesced.

Naturally, I was awesome.

She said, "Nice. Real nice." (The proverbial beat..) "Too bad you're not uglier."

Yes. Yes it is....

Hey. Not the right role. I guess we've all had that experience in life....

Don't get me wrong, I apprectiate getting the call. ("I'm just happy to have been nominated...") I really am glad that they're thinking of me and keeping my picture near the top of the pile. And I mean that.

With some luck, next time they'll be looking for a handsome, (or at least a 'not ugly') 50-ish Irish man with a sense of humor and destiny a-waiting!

Hey, a man can dream, can't he?

What?? It could happen!!

Now here goes me, The Happiest Man In America, keeping the faith 'till next time!

Better days ahead!!

dA